


What Is Love (Baby Don't Hurt Me)

by dumbhuman



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Aromantic, Coming Out, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Maddie Buckley is a Good Sister, Miscommunication, aromantic!Buck, bisexual!Eddie, pansexual!buck, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumbhuman/pseuds/dumbhuman
Summary: During a call to a Pride event, Buck explains his sexuality to Eddie, but shuts down when Eddie asks about one particular pride flag. Fueled by the need to support his best friend, Eddie does research on his own - but ends up more confused than ever. How can he have Buck's back if he doesn't understand him?
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 245
Collections: 9 1 1





	What Is Love (Baby Don't Hurt Me)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for this fandom, and my first fic in quite a while. Aro!Buck took hold of my brain and wouldn't let go. Shoutout to the [Buddie Discord](https://discord.gg/m2XPdwV) for all of the help and support. It definitely takes a village, and this never would have been finished let alone posted without all of the writing sprints and beta reads!

Buck’s usually the one who does the research. The one who falls down Wikipedia rabbit holes in the middle of the night, replenishing his mental bank of random facts that he spouts at his coworkers any chance he gets. But this time, it’s Eddie who’s hunched over his kitchen table at 1 a.m., the darkness of the room only broken by the blue-white glow of his laptop screen.

He’d collapsed into bed two hours ago, expecting to pass out the moment his head hit the pillow. He’s developed somewhat of a routine after long shifts - eat something resembling a meal while standing next to the microwave to avoid crashing at the table, turn the shower on as hot as he can stand to avoid dozing against the tile, then sleep like the dead for as long as his body needs (or his son allows). 

Not tonight though. Tonight, step three has been held hostage by one moment from the day that he still can’t dislodge from the corner of his brain where it’s replaying over and over, a combination of worry and curiosity keeping him awake.

 _They had almost made it back to the station when they got the call to divert for a medical issue - allergy attack during some sort of meeting at a community center. When they’d arrived to a room full of edgy haircuts and pronoun pins_ **_,_ ** _the patient was sitting on the ground with an EpiPen laying next to their thigh, taking shallow breaths but smiling at something the person holding their hand was saying._ ****

_Chim and Hen made quick work of getting the patient on a gurney, ready to take them to the emergency room for a full physical. As they wheeled them out to the parking lot, Eddie had looked around the small lobby for Buck so they could go check in with Bobby and head out. He’d spotted him at a small table with a large fish bowl on it, noticing as he approached that the bowl was filled with a variety of pins with colorful stripes, a large sticker proclaiming “Take Me!” stuck to the front._

_Buck, who had been muttering to himself while digging around in the bowl, pulled one out with a triumphant “Aha!” just as Eddie reached him. He quirked an eyebrow and gestured to the handful of buttons already scattered across the table._

_“Looking for a souvenir, Buck?”_

_Buck jumped a little, dropping the blue, pink, and purple pin in his hand._

_“Very funny, Eddie. Most of these aren’t for me. I knew we’d have a few minutes to kill since Bobby mentioned filling out his report from the truck, so I wanted to grab some pride pins for our friends!”_

_He lined them up in a uniform row before launching into an explanation._

_“So we’ve got two lesbian flags for Hen and Karen, your standard gay rainbow for Josh, a bi flag for Maddie - “ Buck had fallen silent when Eddie grabbed his shoulder to pass behind him, picking up the bowl and shaking it a bit to look for something himself._

_“Go ahead, I’m still listening. What’s the next one?”_

_Another beat had gone by before Buck picked up the next pin - yellow, pink, and blue._

_“This one’s for me. Pansexual.” He’d smiled a bit, though Eddie had noticed a tension about him when he’d looked over, distracted from his own search. “Before you go for the low hanging joke, I am not attracted to pans, ok?”_

_Eddie had slipped a pin against his palm before turning to fully face Buck, putting a hand on his shoulder._

_“You got me, I immediately assumed you fuck cookware.”_

_He had felt Buck’s exhale, shaky with relief, quickly get sucked back in when Eddie held up the bi pin in his own hand and grinned._

_“Jesus Buck, I’m not_ that _out of touch with the community.”_

_Buck had frozen for a second, Eddie’s thumb still resting on his collarbone where a faint blush was spreading, before he’d snapped back into action, gathering the pins and slipping them into his pocket. He’d been a few steps away when Eddie called out, gesturing to a lone pin left on the table._

_“What about this one?” He grabbed the pin - green, white, black, and grey - holding it out a bit so Buck didn’t have to squint to assess it. To Eddie’s surprise, Buck had paled and refused to meet his gaze._

_“I - um - well, that one - I’ve never seen that one before, it must’ve already been on the table. Just - just leave it.”_

_Buck was a terrible liar, and Eddie wasn’t sure if he had ever seen him so shifty, but before he could ask more about it, Bobby called out that it was time to head back to the station. Buck practically sprinted away. Eddie frowned, inspecting the pin still in his hand before slipping it into his pocket to join his small bi flag before jogging back outside to join his team._

Which is how Eddie came to be sifting through Google search hits for “green gray pride flag”, the pin in question staring up at him from next to his laptop. He finds a matching image and clicks through to the website it’s from, scrolling through the list of pride flags before making it back to the one he was searching for. Next to the image was the definition for a word he had never heard before.

 **_Aromantic_ ** \- _having no interest in or desire for romantic relationships_

Huh. Ok.

What?

Eddie wakes up with his head pillowed on his arms, hunched over the kitchen table. He squints at his laptop screen, his browser still open to the one wiki page about Aromanticism that he’d opened before passing out. The url has been replaced with endless k’s, his elbow pressing the key down for the past few hours. He’s groggy, his back hurts, and he’s running late. At least Chris is still at camp - Eddie does not have enough energy to wrangle his son through their morning routine.

Ok, so maybe he didn’t learn as much as he wanted to before passing out last night. But he does remember some things. His head hasn’t been this full of new vocab since basic training, or at least since Chris’s last spelling test. Flashcards might actually be helpful to keep all of this terminology straight.

Aromantic. Alloromantic. Demiromantic. Queerplatonic. Asexual. 

(He was pretty sure that one didn’t apply to Buck, based on all of the stories about his 1.0 days). 

Romantic intent. Romantic spectrum. Aroflux. Grayromantic. Romantic orientation. QPR.

It’s a lot.

He downs his first mug of coffee when he gets to the station, hoping his headache is stemming from exhaustion rather than an overload of information. Caffeine can only do so much. 

The shift is a pretty quiet one. A medical call to a local nursing home that Chim and Hen handle. A kitchen fire that thankfully only results in some scorched cabinets and a stern talking to from Bobby about the importance of having a fire extinguisher on hand. A collapsed awning that he and Buck easily remove to get to the unfortunate homeowner underneath. They’re all just happy that he hadn’t yet lit the grill when the canopy fell - it would’ve been a much different type of call if he had. 

A quiet shift means a lot of time in his own head between calls, and Eddie spends his time watching Buck even more closely than he normally does. He can’t help but frame the little things in a new light. Buck is as tactile and generous as ever. He pulls Eddie’s feet into his lap and absentmindedly runs his fingers along his ankles while rattling off kitchen fire safety facts when they’re resting on the couch after a call. He fixes Eddie’s coffee just how he likes it when he gets up to make himself a cup. He crowds against Eddie’s back, hooking his chin over Eddie’s shoulder to steal a piece of tomato that he’s slicing while on dinner prep duty. None of this is new for them, but Eddie can’t help but try to line it all up with what he’d read that morning.

He almost just blurts it out, when they’re taking inventory together in the last hour of their shift. Almost vocalizes the “Hey, so, are you aromantic? And if so, can you explain what that means?” that’s on the tip of his tongue. But he knows it’s not the time, it is _really_ not the place, and he doesn’t want to scare Buck. He was obviously uncomfortable when Eddie had asked about the pin the day before, and Eddie doesn’t want to put him in a position that he’s not ready to be in.

As they’re changing out of their uniforms, Eddie pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts until he reaches one that he hasn’t texted in a while. He glances at Buck — who’s yawning through a conversation with Chim about how he needs to get home to get a nap in before his dentist appointment so he doesn’t fall asleep in the chair like last time — and types out a quick message. Eddie needs to talk to someone about this before he spirals so that he doesn’t come off as an ass to Buck, and he thinks he knows the perfect person to help.

The ambient noise of the cafe barely registers to Eddie as he smiles down at his phone, typing out a response to the latest message from his best friend. He chuckles to himself as a blurry photo that pokes at his nostalgia buttons comes through, a visual to accompany Buck’s rant about how Chris will never understand the simple joy of Flintstones Push Up ice cream pops. 

After a quick Google search, he responds with an updated product image, with no cartoon caveman branding but surely just as much sugar. He doesn’t think Chris even knows who Fred Flintstone is, but figures that he should keep that point to himself for fear of crushing Buck’s spirit (and instigating a Saturday morning marathon). His phone vibrates almost immediately, and his snort at the response of “Yabbadabbadon’t you dare” has him immediately looking around to make sure no other patrons are giving him weird looks. 

That’s when he sees Maddie Buckley come through the door, and his good mood morphs into something more serious. Right. He’s here for a reason.

“Sorry I’m late, my last caller felt like arguing that being refused entry to a restaurant because she wasn’t wearing any shoes was a valid reason to call 911. And a valid use of emergency resources and taxpayer dollars.” She rolls her eyes as she hangs her bag over the back of the chair across from Eddie. “I eventually convinced her to drop $5 on a pair of flip flops from a store a few buildings down, but man, whoever started the rumor that people in California are laid back is a dirty liar.”

“Oh yeah, I’m totally with you on that one. LA is full of a bunch of stressed out weirdos”. Maddie smiles at him before fishing her wallet out of her bag.

“I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees it. I’m just gonna go grab a coffee and something to snack on, do you want anything?”

“I’m still working through the drink I grabbed when I got here, but I wouldn’t say no to one of the chocolate chip cookies? I’m taking your offer as a sign that I was wrong before to pass one up.”

“Ooh, a cookie sounds perfect right now. I’ll be right back with our sugar fix!” 

Eddie watches Maddie walk away and get into line, pulling out his phone again. Nothing new from Buck, so he must be driving home from his stop at the grocery store post-dentist appointment. Something about ice cream being a reward for a lack of cavities, which sounds adorably counterintuitive to Eddie.

He smiles at his phone as it goes dark, but watches the furrow between his eyebrows form in the reflection of his screen as he thinks about why he’s here. He wants to have this conversation, thinks Maddie will hear him out without judgement, but he’s still not looking forward to figuring out how to start.

Maddie returns with their cookies, waving off Eddie’s offer to pay her back before he’s even reached for his wallet. They both savor their warm baked goods in companionable silence, but it doesn’t kill as much time as Eddie had hoped. Maddie licks a stray spot of chocolate off of her thumb before uncrossing her legs and turning to face him fully, her attention gentle but a little overwhelming.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?”

Eddie can’t meet her eyes, instead putting all his focus on the napkin that he’s tearing into tiny pieces. “So, um…” He takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes as he exhales. “Have you heard of aromanticism?”

He catches a small smile on Maddie’s face when he opens his eyes again, but her expression is a bit guarded. “So, I’m guessing Buck told you?”  
  
Eddie rubs the back of his neck and looks away again. “Not...exactly.” He pulls the aro flag pin out of his pocket, rubbing his thumb against it in a way that he finds oddly soothing before holding it up. “I found this.”

Maddie takes the pin when he holds it out to her, flipping it over and over between her fingers. She’s silent for a few moments, lost in thought, before her gaze comes back to Eddie’s. “You know it’s not my place to be having this conversation, Eddie. You’re not dumb.”

He winces a little at that. “I _know_ , but I can’t - he’s not -” He stops, trying to piece his thoughts together. “Buck just, he loves so _much_ and everything I read online is just…” Words aren’t his strong suit at the best of time, but Eddie’s having a really hard time verbalizing this. “I just don’t see it. Buck...he’s got the biggest heart I know.”

Maddie grabs his hand, eyes full of sympathy. This is a bit new to him, he hasn’t spent enough time with Buck’s sister one on one. He finds her presence calming, though, even through his discomfort with laying out his thoughts and emotions for others to scrutinize. He squeezes her hand once, hoping it translates into _thank you_.

Maddie takes a breath. 

“When Buck told me he was aromantic, when he tried to explain for the first time...I didn’t get it at all.” She pauses, staring at the space above his shoulder but seeing nothing. Eddie can see the guilt in her eyes.”It hurt him, how confused I was. I don’t blame myself anymore, not really, but it’s hard for Evan. It’s hard for him to let himself be vulnerable. He wears his heart on his sleeve, sure, but there are still some things he keeps locked inside. I think that’s why he doesn’t seem to really bring it up anymore - it’s a lot to explain, it’s not a familiar concept to most people. It must be draining, to have to teach people about a core part of yourself.”

Eddie thinks back to the first time he came out as bi to a few of the men he considered brothers while he was stationed, terrified at the prospect of their hate and disgust as he whispered it into the darkness. Their support, while muted, was everything in contrast to the looks on his parents’ faces the first (and last) time he held a boy’s hand in the house he grew up in. 

He thinks that, while not everyone accepted him, the concept of loving people of different genders was something they could _understand_ , at least on some level. Something they could _see_ , could identify, even if they didn’t agree with it. Eddie thinks about the immediate recognition on Buck’s face just yesterday when Eddie had claimed his own bi flag versus the sleep he’d lost last night scrolling through definitions and forums to try to wrap his head around it, and he thinks he understands what Maddie means.

“I can’t say I have a full understanding here, even now, but that’s the _point_ , Eddie. This isn’t about what you and I see, what boxes we put Evan into. It’s about how _he feels_.” She smiles sadly. “I don’t think it’ll ever fully click for us, understanding an absence of something that we can’t really conceptualize. All we can do is listen, and support him.”

Eddie rocks back in his chair, wiping a hand across his face as he sighs. He knows what he needs to do, but he’s not looking forward to it. 

Maddie looks a bit hesitant before she speaks next, but there’s a fire in her eyes that’s at odds with the softness in her tone.

“The fact that Evan’s aro doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you.”

Eddie chokes on his next inhale, his empty coffee cup mocking the fact that he doesn’t have an excuse to hide behind. For her part, Maddie doesn’t call him on it. Though Eddie isn’t sure if he would’ve heard her if she had. All he can hear is the blood rushing through his ears as he tries to regain his breath, feelling his face heat up, hoping he can blame it on the choking.

“ _Talk_ to him, Eddie.” The smirk on Maddie’s face as she looks over her shoulder - _when had she stood up?_ \- was so reminiscent of the one that never failed to brighten his day, even if he knew he wouldn’t like the words that followed. “Contrary to what you may think, talking about your feelings won’t kill you.”

Cool. Cool cool cool.

He’s fucked.

“Hey Bucakroo, your work husband looks a little upset over there. You gonna do something about it?”

Eddie knows that Chim means well by his teasing, and usually Eddie just laughs it off. Hearing Buck referred to as _his_ in any sense actually gives him a warm fluttery feeling, if he’s being honest. But he’s been paying more attention than ever to Buck this past week, analyzing his reactions, which is why he’s only now seeing how Buck holds himself slightly smaller than usual as he walks over to join them at the dining table. How his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

Buck visibly relaxes a bit as he brushes his arm against Eddie’s back when he passes behind his chair, though. And his smile as he sits down in the empty seat next him, his knee leaning against Eddie’s, is more genuine.

“Why don’t you two lovebirds go cuddle on the couch until dinner’s ready? That should take Eddie’s mind off of whatever’s bothering him.”

Eddie feels Buck’s leg start to shake at Hen’s words, bumping into his. He puts his hand on Buck’s thigh and squeezes, hoping to help calm him down. For his part, though, Eddie’s anything but calm. 

He shouldn’t start this while Buck’s here. He doesn’t want to make him more uncomfortable. But Eddie’s protectiveness wins out as Buck continues shaking, his carefree mask cracking a bit, at least to Eddie’s eyes.

“Hey guys, could you maybe let up on the ‘firehouse couple’ jokes a bit?” He can’t help the bite to his words, but the guilt he feels at the shock on his friends’ faces is trumped by his relief as Buck grabs his hand and relaxes a bit against him. He looks a bit confused, but he’s stopped shaking at least.

Eddie’s good feeling dissipates as Buck squeezes his hand before getting up and escaping down the stairs, not giving any of them a second glance. Maybe that wasn’t the best move after all? He’s pulled out of his thoughts by a low whistle from behind him.

“Someone’s sleeping on the couch tonight.”

“Chim, come on, I’m serious.” Chimney has the decency to look contrite when Eddie glares at him. “I don’t think Buck’s comfortable with all of the teasing.”

“I’m sorry Eddie, I didn’t realize we were making you and Buck uncomfortable.” Hen walks over, stopping behind his chair and giving his shoulder a squeeze, a frown on her face. 

“Now hang on. Where was this sympathy when you were all teasing me and Maddie? I distinctly remember Buckaroo laying it on thick that we were ‘pining idiots who couldn’t see that we were dating’ back when we were getting to know each other.” Chimney crosses his arms over his chest, popping his gum. 

Eddie shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Yeah, well, no one’s saying that Buck’s blameless here. We’re all idiots sometimes, that doesn’t make it cool.” He folds his own arms in front of him, leaning back in his chair. “Besides, you never expressly asked us to stop, if I remember correctly.”

“Neither has Buck! I’m just calling it how I see it, and if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck -”

Eddie pushes back from the table, taking a step toward Chimney. He’s vibrating a little, trying his best to suppress the sudden urge to shake his coworker.

“Yeah, but no one asked you to go on a fucking duck hunt, Chim.” Eddie’s voice is a low growl, and he sees Chimney’s eyes widen as he steps back, raising his hands up in front of himself defensively. 

“ _O-kay_ , we are done here!” Eddie feels Hen’s hands on his shoulders as she turns his body away from Chim, putting herself in between them. 

“You,” she says, pointing at Chimney, “go sit on the couch. I’m going to whoop your ass in Mortal Kombat while explaining what playing nice and respecting people’s feelings means.”

Chimney rolls his eyes again before doing as he’s told, walking over to fiddle with the game system to get it ready. She turns to face Eddie fully, her hands still on his shoulders.

“Now you, go cool off a bit. Find our Buckaroo and get him to smile. I’ll deal with this one over here.” She glances back at Chimney, who’s playing a single player match while waiting for her to finish with Eddie. “I love the guy, but we both know Chim likes to play devil’s advocate and get defensive. I’m sorry if we made you guys uncomfortable, and today he gets a fun lesson about what ‘stop’ means.”

Eddie’s breathing evens out, and he pulls Hen into a hug. “Thanks, Hen. I just hate seeing Buck uncomfortable, y’know?”

She gives him a knowing look but doesn’t say anything. “As much as I love teasing that boy, I never want to go too far. Thanks for keeping us in check.”

Eddie pulls back and nods at her, heading down to the bunk room to look for Buck. Their shift is almost over, and he wants to make sure he’s ok before they head out for the day. Unfortunately, the alarm rings out across the station just as he’s made it down the stairs, shattering any chance of a private heart to heart. He settles for squeezing Buck’s shoulder as they climb into the truck, catching a sad smile on his friend’s face as Eddie ducks his head, trying to catch Buck’s eye. They’ll have to talk later.

They get to the vehicle crash site quickly, Eddie jumping out of the truck and forcing himself to shake off the discomfort from the awkward silence that had made the short ride over suffocating. Once Bobby had done a sweep of the scene, taking in the absolutely wrecked car, he determined that Hen and Chim didn’t need any help giving the very lucky driver a cursory physical, putting Buck and Eddie on traffic cone duty.

Eddie catches Buck’s eye as they start walking back to the truck to grab a few cones, getting a challenging smirk from Buck in return, and they both pick up the pace. Buck laughs as he shoves Eddie out of the way, grabbing an armful of cones before Eddie can catch his balance, breaking into a sprint to keep his advantage in what has suddenly become a race to cordon off the remains of the car until the tow truck can arrive to clear the scene. Because of course it’s a race now.

Eddie shakes his head and smiles before jogging to catch up.

Hen and Chim make quick work getting the driver checked over and loading him into the back of the ambulance, and they take off toward the hospital. The tow truck arrives soon after to clear away the debris, and before Eddie knows it they’re heading back to the station. They passed the end of their shift while they were out on the call, so he and Buck beeline for the locker room as soon as they pull into the garage.

Things are still quiet between them, but it’s a comfortable silence this time. They change quickly, and Eddie’s about to ask Buck to come over for dinner when something clatters to the floor as he closes his locker.

He bends down to pick up whatever he’d dropped, but Buck beats him to it. His smile drops as he looks at the small piece of plastic in his hand.

“What the fuck, Eddie?”

Eddie takes a step forward to see what Buck found, and sees the aro pride pin. He’d put it on his locker shelf for safekeeping, but he must have knocked it off when packing up his bag for the day.

He’s still trying to figure out what to say, what excuse makes sense, but Buck saves him the trouble by pushing past him and stalking out to his truck, throwing the pin at Eddie’s feet as he goes.

Eddie sits heavily on the bench, his head in his hands. This is not how he wanted this to go. Not at all.

It’s not until he’s sitting in his truck that he pulls out his phone and finally bites the bullet. He types out the text and hits send before he can second guess himself, throwing his phone into the passenger seat before pulling out of the parking lot. 

_We need to talk._

Eddie tosses the last few lego bricks into their container and groans as he pushes himself back up off of his knees. Chris is usually pretty good about keeping the living room clean, but he’d fallen asleep reading on the couch after an exhausting first day back from camp. Eddie figured that cleaning up after his son outweighed the headache that would come with trying to get him back to sleep if he had woken him up. 

He’d also appreciated the distraction that cleaning provided while waiting for Buck to arrive. He looks around at the spotless living room floor, walking over to sit on the couch instead, adjusting the blanket thrown over the back for something to do. He’d convinced Buck to stop by after Chris was asleep, knowing that the time had come to finally have the conversation that he’d been putting off.

He would be lying if he said that he didn’t hope that Chris being asleep would keep Buck from yelling at him. He wasn’t above using his son to protect his own feelings, at least in this case.

There’s a knock at the door and Eddie jumps. Buck never knocks anymore, and he doesn’t know what to make of it. Just that it doesn’t mean anything good. Eddie strides over to open the door, Buck waiting an awkward beat before crossing the threshold, walking right past Eddie to enter the kitchen. 

Buck does not give the cold shoulder often, and Eddie can’t say that he’s a fan of being on the receiving end of it.

Buck returns from the kitchen, one beer in each hand, and takes a swig from one of them. Eddie takes a seat on the couch and wraps his hand around the neck of the other bottle when Buck holds it out. He scoots closer to the arm rest, giving Buck plenty of space to join him, but he stays standing, leaning against the doorway. Eddie hates how purposeful the space feels.

He shifts further into the corner of the couch, trying to get comfortable, and starts picking at the label on his bottle, already a little damp with condensation. God, he really needs to put on his big boy pants and be the one to break the silence. It’s Eddie’s move here and he knows it.

“Look, Buck, I want to start by saying that I support you, and anything I’ve done over the past week has been with the best of intentions.” Eddie doesn’t get a response, but sees Buck shift his stance a bit and he takes that as his cue to continue. “I didn’t mean to put you in a weird spot or, like, invade your privacy when I brought that pin home with me. I just...saw how uncomfortable you were when I brought it up on the call last week, and wanted to help somehow.”

Buck isn’t saying anything, but he makes his way from the doorframe to the couch, settling himself against the arm opposite from Eddie. He’s picking at his own label now, still not lifting his gaze. Eddie stares at his profile, not letting himself look away.

“Ok, I don’t really know what point I’m trying to make here.” Eddie huffs, frustrated for the thousandth time at the lifelong disconnect between his brain and his mouth. “I - I’ve been doing research, trying to learn what I can about what it’s like to be aromantic.”

Buck’s eyes flick up to meet Eddie’s, just for a second, and they’re full of fear.

Eddie hates it.

“Buck, I know no matter how many articles I read and videos I watch I’m never going to understand what it’s like to be in your shoes. To feel what you feel, or what you don’t. And that’s ok. No matter what, I’ll be here, to listen and learn and just...I want you to be comfortable here.” 

It’s back, the overwhelming urge to shield himself, to shut the door on anything that could make him seem weak or scared or vulnerable. But he pushes past it, because this is Buck.

“Buck, can you look at me? Just for this part, please?” The request is quieter than he wanted, barely a whisper, but Buck’s head snaps to the side all the same. Eddie now sees that his eyes are red, and kind of hates that he could ever be the one to make Buck cry. Hates whoever drilled this much shame into him.

“Buck, you know I’m shit at all of this. God, everyone knows I’m shit at this. Even your sister.” A confused laugh escapes Buck, they’re both startled by it, and Eddie relaxes a little before pressing on. “What I guess I’m trying to say here is, I’m here for you. Whatever that means. Whether that’s holding you through your nightmares in my bed, or having your back while we repel down the side of a cliff, or telling our friends to shut the fuck up when they’re pushing too much.”

“I love you, Buck. And I’m not saying that to put pressure on you. If it does, I’m sorry. This isn’t a transaction - I don’t need you to feel the same way. Having you in my life, in our lives,” he glances towards Chris’s door and smiles, “in the ways that you’ve supported us since we’ve known you is exactly what we need. It’s not a debate over what’s ‘enough’ for me, a life with you in any capacity wouldn’t be settling for anything.” He wipes away a tear and tries to keep his gaze steady, despite the consuming need to pull Buck close to him and make sure his words are making it through a lifetime of the world saying he wasn’t enough. 

“I don’t love you in spite of who you are. I love you because of you. I don’t care what - what labels we put on it, what other people think. This isn’t about anyone else.” 

His bravado starts to fade, but he feels lighter, despite the tension surrounding them both.

“I’m - I’m gonna shut up now, though, because you don’t deserve having to listen to me talk in circles all night. And we both know this is probably the longest I’ve talked without putting my foot in my mouth.”

He hopes he didn’t put his foot in his mouth.

Eddie downs the rest of his beer, soothing an ache that he usually associates with screaming and fights. He’s not used to laying himself bare as an act of love instead of an unplanned side effect of having to defend himself.

It’s quiet as they both compose themselves, the air filled with slow, heavy breaths. With each second that passes, Eddie’s confidence morphs into fear that he went too far. That he said too much. That it’s a shitty thing to dump on someone, the burden of maintaining your happiness, and he wonders how he can take it all back in a way that won’t ruin everything.

Buck breaks the silence this time.

“How do I put this?”

When Eddie lifts his head, Buck is still leaning against the arm of the couch, but he’s halfway to being seated. Not quite as tense as before. He looks up at the ceiling, teeth worrying at his bottom lip as he collects his thoughts. Eddie suppresses the urge to go to him, to take his hand, to relieve him of the burden of explaining himself. Before he can give Buck an out, though, his gaze drops to somewhere over Eddie’s shoulder.

“Out of everyone in my life, you make me feel the safest. You and Chris, stepping into this home, that’s when I can really breathe. I’m the most... _me_ when I’m here.”

Buck’s words are slow and deliberate, and Eddie can’t help the way his heart swells with affection. When Buck’s eyes shift to lock with his own, Eddie can see some of the tension in his shoulders dissipate. He knows the sappy expression on Buck’s face has to mirror what he sees reflected on Eddie’s. 

“Of course I love you, Eds. I have so much love for you. For this family. It’s just...it might not be the kind of love that they make movies about.” Buck looks away again as he moves to a more comfortable position on the couch. Eddie finds himself breathing a little easier as the space between them decreases. “For me, it’s not this romcom soulmate thing. Which, I know, I get that that might not be enough for you -”

Eddie opens his mouth to argue, but Buck’s gaze shifts upward from where it’d dropped to his lap to meet Eddie’s eyes again. There’s a glint of determination that’s replaced the vulnerability, and words start tumbling out as he jumps to his feet.

“Actually, no, fuck that. It’s not...not _less than_ . I get that I’m missing some piece, this fucking _nebulous_ concept of romance or whatever that no one can really explain to me, but that doesn’t mean that my love is worth less. That’s like - that’s like saying that your love for Chris isn’t as, as big, or as important, or as worthwhile as your love for Shannon was. Or that my love for Maddie is less real than Chim’s. It’s not a damn _competition_ , there’s no limit on...on the _amount_ of love that one person can give.”

It’s obvious that he’s saying all of this for his own sake as much as Eddie’s. Buck sits back down on the couch, deflating a bit after pacing around the room.

“Look...I’m not trying to - to yell at you here. I’m just trying to explain where I’m coming from. With Abby, I _tried_ to fit the mold of what everyone said a relationship should be like. I checked all the boxes, dinner dates and flowers and spending any free moment I had talking to her. I consciously put her at, like, the center of my world. I don’t regret it, I wasn’t... _lying_. Abby was a great person and she saw me for who I was at the time.”

Eddie can’t help it as his lips fall into a frown, and Buck huffs out something close to a laugh.

“Yeah ok, it didn’t end well. But I think part of the reason why was because I put Abby up on a pedestal, because that’s what I thought love was supposed to be. I’m the one who said I would wait for her. I didn’t prioritize taking care of myself because I’d convinced myself she was perfect, that I’d found ‘the one’.” 

The air quotes are accompanied by a self deprecating roll of his eyes.

“Now I know that wasn’t fair to either of us at all.”

Buck puts his head in his hands and sighs, rubbing his eyes as if willing the right words to emerge from some corner of his brain. He drops his shoulders and exhales, his hands falling from his face, finding one of Eddie’s own and lacing their fingers together.

“I appreciate you giving me space to get all of this out. It’s a lot, and I don’t know if I’m making any sense.”

“Of course Buck, I’m here to listen. To help you piece this together if that’s what you need.”

Buck smiles, rubbing small circles into Eddie’s hand with his thumb.

“You’re incredibly patient, and this is not the end of the conversation. But we’re both exhausted, and we both know that Chris is going to be up bright and early asking for pancakes regardless of how much sleep either of us get tonight. I don’t think either of us has enough energy left, or the credentials really, to unpack my weird brain tonight, so let me try to reign this back in to you and me.”

He let’s go of Eddie’s hand and shifts until he’s sitting cross-legged on the couch, turned to face Eddie fully. Eddie mirrors his position, and a small smile plays at Buck’s lips as he takes both of Eddie’s hands into his own and looks directly into his eyes.

“Eddie, I have so much love for you. My part in this family is something that I cherish. I don’t know if there’s a label for us, if there’s a template for us to follow, but I plan to be a part of this family as long as you’ll have me. However you’ll have me. I’m sorry that I...that things are more complicated because of who I am, but I know that I’m happiest in this home. I love you.”

Eddie blinks back tears as he grasps the back of Buck’s neck and pulls him in for a crushing hug.

“You have _nothing_ to be sorry for,” he whispers against Buck’s neck. Eddie pulls back a bit and wipes a stray tear from Buck’s cheek with his thumb. “I love you so much. What we have is more than enough for me, more than I could ever hope for. You have my back, you love my kid. You make my life better by just being in it.”

Eddie lifts a hand to wipe at his own face.

“God dammit, this is why I don’t like talking about feelings. You son of a bitch.”

Buck lets out a watery chuckle and pulls Eddie into another hug. Eddie smiles against his neck before pulling away, shifting his shoulders and taking a deep breath before unfolding his body until his feet are on the ground.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. You aren’t wrong that Chris is going to be begging for pancakes by 7.”

Eddie plants his feet and braces his hands on his knees, pushing himself into a standing position. His neck pops as he rolls it before turning to reach a hand out to Buck.

“We have plenty of time to figure out the details here, but I think we covered the most important part - we love each other. Everything else can wait. How about we call it a night and head to bed?”

Buck smiles and takes Eddie’s hand, letting his partner pull him to his feet.

“Yeah, let’s go to bed.”

They fall asleep that night where they both feel safest, in each other’s arms. As expected, they’re awoken before the sun by the boy who has both of their hearts, asking for snuggles and pancakes. There are laughs and jokes and smiles that accompany their morning routine, their home full of light and warmth and love.

When they head out the door, running late but ready to start the day as usual, Buck’s bag has a new pin on it. He’s not hiding anymore.


End file.
